Families

If you move with a family, you can expect to experience family culture shock, to a greater or lesser extent.
Family culture shock is:

• a collective experience, which can affect each family member differently.
• a sense of loss of control, in reaction to everything being unfamiliar; and
• the struggle of each member of the family to regain equilibrium.

No one escapes culture shock, as it simply is the consequence of moving from one culture to another. It comes from feeling that everything we are familiar with is gone and we are still figuring out the new rules and environment. Not knowing our surroundings and local customs can make us feel anxious and vulnerable. Stress, sadness, and anger are often initially about loss of control. Understanding that this is a normal process can make it easier to handle.

Family culture shock is challenging because, at the same time as dealing with our own transition, we have to interact with loved ones who are struggling in their own ways. We might find it hard to understand their behavior. It can be difficult to accept that other members of our family react differently from the way we do. It helps if each person can listen, and come to terms with how it is for the others.

Each family member has his or her own distinct experience of the new place. This is influenced by what they are doing there (e.g., work, school, running the home), as well as individual differences of age, gender, personality and developmental stage. As a result, each member of the family experiences culture shock in different ways and adapts at a different pace. Your experience belongs to you alone and is not diminished because others do not feel the same way.

Summary

Family members react differently with their unique combinations of personalities and roles

Each person has his or her own experience and perspective

Your perspective is distinctive to you

Children at different ages have a different experience of moving

Do not try to make the others react in the same way you do

Encourage all family members to think about what it is like from the others’ perspectives

Families are all different. We hope you will find some useful information in this toolkit, even if your own family does not exactly fit the pattern described.

Once you begin the life of mobility as a family, your children start the process of becoming “Third Culture Kids” (TCKs). Another broader term now used is “Cross-Cultural Kids” (CCKs).

Who are Third Culture Kids (TCKs)?

Who are Cross-Cultural Kids (CCKs)?

“Children who accompany their parents into another culture (usually for a parent’s career choice.)”

Dr. Ruth Hill Useem, Sociologist, Professor Emeritus at Michigan State University, originator of the term Third Culture Kids.

“A Third Culture Kid (TCK) is a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture(s). Although elements from each culture are assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background.”

David C. Pollock, original developer of the TCK profile, co-author Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, founder of Interaction International.

” A Cross-Cultural Kid (CCK) is a person who has lived in – or meaningfully interacted with – two or more cultural environments for a significant period of time during developmental years.”

Ruth Van Reken, co-author, Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, co-founder of Families in Global Transition (FIGT).

There has been extensive research on how relocation affects children, and the benefits and disadvantages of growing up internationally. We suggest that you explore the literature (starting with the More Resources tab) and share what you learn with your family, as appropriate to their age. Many international schools routinely cover this information for children and parents, as it is so helpful.

Rebecca Grappo, an educational consultant who specializes in the educational placement of international children, says there are three basic things all children need: belonging, recognition, and connection. For TCKs, these basic needs are ripped away with each move. Powerless in the decision to relocate, their many losses are often not acknowledged even by their own parents. On the other hand, awareness can help parents consciously work on re-establishing these three essential ingredients in the new location.

Being aware of the potential long-term effects of relocation on your children can help you preempt possible difficulties. Awareness can also help you take opportunities to emphasize the beneficial aspects of growing up across cultures. It is clear from the research, and from the lived experience of our members’ families, that an upbringing with a wealth of international experiences can have many advantages.

In her blog article, Finding Home Between Worlds, Marianna Pogosyan, lecturer in Cultural Psychology, identifies frequently reported advantages. These include proficiency in multiple languages, intercultural sensitivity, expanded worldviews, open-mindedness, and cultural empathy. She notes that TCKs can enter adulthood armed with skills to handle change and to communicate across cultures.

For children to benefit from such advantages of living internationally, it is important to help them process the hidden losses that come with relocation (see Toolkit 2). Ruth Van Reken stresses that unresolved grief from childhood losses is one of the major issues facing many adult TCKs. She explains, “Many of their losses are not visible or recognized by others. With no language or understanding to process these losses, many TCKs never learned how to deal with them as they happened, and the grief comes out in other ways (e.g., denial, anger, depression, extreme busyness, etc.).”

It is important not to underestimate the effects of moving on children, even the very young, especially if they exhibit any changes in personality. They may not be able to articulate what they feel, but this does not stop the fact that they may be experiencing culture shock. Like Natalie in our story, they may show symptoms such as disturbed sleep, increased bed wetting, clinginess, and unsettled behavior, and they may need help to express their feelings.

When we don’t understand our family’s losses, or try to talk ourselves or others past the sad feelings, or don’t allow ourselves and others time to grieve, true comforting does not take place. Comfort is when we know someone else understands and cares. It isn’t about fixing the loss, but walking with someone through their sadness with empathy and support. There is time for encouragement later, but first we, and our family members, need to be comforted.

Grief can remain unresolved when children have not been given permission to address the losses. For example, when a child says how much they miss their former classmates, parents too often try to cheer them up. They point out all the new friends they will soon be making, rather than helping them find the language to express what they are missing and how they are feeling.

While reacting to their own experiences, children also pick up their parents’ moods and feelings. For example, if a mother is unhappy and stressed, her children may seek to protect her by not showing their own feelings. Sometimes parents expect their child to feel the same way they do. This can be harmful for the young person, whose feelings are denied or discounted. As parents, we may not be aware of the subtle ways in which we stop our children from expressing themselves. We may focus on prohibiting what we see as unacceptable behavior, rather than trying to understand what lies behind it.

If you move with a teenager, it is very important to be aware of the potential effects of relocation at this life stage, when one of the crucial developmental tasks is self-differentiation. Parents of teenagers know that adolescence is, in itself, a time of transition. Young people are coping with big internal changes in body and mind, and are figuring out their identity. In order to learn to become independent they need to distance themselves, to some extent, from parents. To succeed in this process, they need friends and contacts outside the family to hold on to, and opportunities to explore their potential identities.

For this reason, it can be very disturbing for a teenager to have to move country, leaving behind friendships and well-known places, routines, and systems. Not knowing the basic skills of living in the new place can make them more reliant on the family, like much younger children.

This loss of control and independence can exacerbate anger and resentment in the teenager, which can be expressed in negative ways. Rather than focusing on behavior, it helps for parents to try to understand the underlying reasons behind it, as it can be a manifestation of feelings.

In addition, school may be very challenging and confusing, as in our member’s story on expectations at school. Often, teens who were doing well in the previous location suffer a setback in grades and social skills, as they settle into the new school and learn the new expectations.

Some families face additional challenges that can make relocation even harder. They may even face multiple challenges simultaneously. This section identifies just three types of situations, among many different specific kinds of challenges.

Despite the challenges, many families in these situations flourish while living internationally. One important thing that can help is creating a support network, both in-country and online. We can put you in touch with other WBG Family Network members around the world who have faced the same challenges, and would be happy to listen and to share experience and resources.

• Holding the Fort Alone: This phrase has been created by solo parenting coach Rhoda Bangerter who has written a book by the same title (see More Resources). It describes the experience of expat parents whose partners are away for work much of the time. If the staff member parent has to travel a lot, this can add further disruption and insecurity to a family in transition. It can make you wonder why you have come to a new country with a partner who is never home, leaving you to cope with the family transition alone.
• Same, Same but Different: This is the phrase used by WBG Family Network Regional Champion, Scott Cowcher, who notes that, when relocating internationally as an LGBTQ family with children, the challenges and anxieties can be amplified. In addition to visa and legal difficulties often faced by same-sex partners, integrating into a new community often requires “coming out” again and again. This can mean dealing with constant, and sometimes unwelcome, prying into family life. It also entails the need to ensure that children are protected from potential hostility.
• Disabilities: Moving with a family member who has a disability can be especially challenging. It can be very difficult in many countries to find expert support and disability services, and local attitudes might not be understanding. The WBG Family Network Disabilities Program supports WBG families with children or adults who have disabilities by offering a listening ear, educational seminars, and information on resources. A database of schools in different countries offering support to children with special needs is also available. Members are encouraged to contribute resources from their duty stations to add to the database.